"I finally killed you," I whispered to myself. After 2 years, I managed to kill my repressed self.
I set him on fire, I burned him to the ground, and as he burned, I watched the ashes and the dreams I had for us crumble, vanish into thin air as if there was no tomorrow, as if there was no turning back.
It was a ticket back to him who had no return from hell.
No, I didn't cry this time, I just mourned him, I took him out of my heart, I uprooted him like you uproot weeds from the soil, I pulled him off like a band-aid when you take it off and it hurts, and I buried him like I did with other exes, except he wasn't even an ex, we never had time to have a relationship.
Not because we didn't want to, but because circumstances didn't allow us to."I finally killed you" and I looked at your house in disgust, thinking about the night you had given me, whispering to me how much you wanted me, and then you changed, pretending not to remember while they were angry, you just put your ego in, you built a wall between us and threw me out.
To start with, I met my crush 2 years ago when I was fresh out of a breakup. I liked him, but you see, when he and your ex have the same name, even their mothers had the same name, I was kind of lost.
I still had the scars from my ex on me, my ex haunted me even in my sleep.
How could I enter a new relationship, sleep with him, and cry for the other person?
Morally, technically, and however you want to put it, it wasn't possible.
But to tell you the truth, I wasn't sleeping, I had become a living-dead thing, my repressed self wanted me, I wanted him, but I didn't want him to even touch me, I was in pain from my ex's wounds and while I wanted the touch of the repressed self, I suddenly left one night.
I killed him for 1or time and killed myself at the same time, I had to decide what was good first for me and then for everyone else.
And my good thing was that I was left alone: I was old, I slept all the time - as much as I could -, I had panic attacks, I was disgusted by his name, and anyone I knew with the same name I would run away from because I was scared.
I left because I had to, I deleted him, I blocked him without a second thought, while my tears burned my face, because what I did to him was very barbaric.
My ex made me not want to see a man for a man, I stayed alone for many years because of the fears he caused me, but above all I always remembered my repressed feelings, I would take walks outside his house with the intention of telling him a big apology and even if he hurt me, I would deserve it anyway.
And then I saw him with his girlfriend, he was happy and so I left, I didn't want to ruin his happiness because I had a mental breakdown 2 years ago.
So I left him and moved on, I was with a guy for 4-5 months I don't even remember, but I couldn't take it, I was drowning, I saw my repressed self and I felt remorse because I'm not her, I don't hurt those who don't deserve it, but I did it, but I did it because I wasn't well.
I got divorced and I can tell you that my divorce is over and I'm brighter than ever. I don't need anyone by my side and if I want to have someone, I'll get them right away.
Before I made up with my ex, I forgot to tell you that I sent a friend request to my crush, he liked me and suddenly deleted me.
Although Facebook sometimes does its thing, I didn't delete it because I was determined to tell him everything before I got into another relationship.
But he turned me off and I thought he was reciprocating and hating me.
"He killed me this time," I said and moved on with my life.
And I come to the present: I saw him again one night and I couldn't resist, I sent him a message right away - let me tell you that I've quit drinking for years, so I'm always aware of things, I know who I am, what I'm doing and what I'm sending.
I told him everything, he told me he still liked me, I had stayed, I didn't expect it, we met after a long time, we talked, he drank wine, I didn't drink and one thing led to another and we got closer, he almost whispered to me all night how much he loved me, he told me everything.
I felt inside that he was playing with me since he also has a girlfriend.
The next day, he completely changed, we stopped talking about ourselves for days, and it killed me, making me feel like a cheap prostitute.
The worst thing was that he had written and said that he was emotionally empty for me, while he was telling me otherwise.
I got angry, I broke everything, I cried, I went out with a friend and started drinking, and at that moment I killed him once again.
I came home, took off my heels, had a glass of wine, then vodka, then I don't know what, and I looked at his house, thinking about what we had said and I said to myself, "You died tonight, I won't remember you from tomorrow."
As I looked at his house, the image of him drinking came to my mind, and just like that, I set fire to my former reject and with him I died once and for all.
My repressed self never understood what he meant, if he meant it, if he was playing around or I don't know what he wanted to say or do with me.
No matter how much of a chance he gave me, he didn't give me one, but I learned an important lesson: that nothing has value if the other person doesn't make sacrifices for you and doesn't give you a chance.
"Listen, change your ways."
Don't play with people anymore.
Why do they charge errors with interest?
For my repressed self that said one thing and meant another!!!